I WANNA BE CLOSE TO YOU LORD

I’ve been feeling empty lately, lonely and sad. I feel like both God and Jesus have abandoned me, like I have caused a gretater sin which is unforgivable, like I’m not their favourite kid anymore. This feeling of rejection is unexpainable.

And I keep asking the Lord one question……

Lord, Lord why have you forsaken me?

I poured out my heart last night,I cried praying,

pleading with Him to hear my prayers. But it seems and feels like my cries and prayers are all in vain.

What greater sin have I done oh Lord that made you drift away from me, so far…….apart.

I’ve been listening to Benjamin Dube’s song, which I found on my little sister’s playlist, the title of the song is ” I wanna be close to you Lord”.  Thats how I’m feeling right now, I just wanna be close to the Lord.

But I’m just gonna meditate on His word day and night, I know He loves me so much to just trash me. I’m just gonna be courageous and wait on the Lord.

All I’m asking right now, is for Him to have mercy on me, and hear my prayers.

Have mercy on me Lord.

                 Have mercy on me son of David.

I will not cease praying Lord, finally you will hear my prayers

LUKE 18:39

New International Version (NIV)

39 Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU

Jeremiah 29:11 says it all.

“11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

maybe you went to that job interview, and you were sure that you’d get the job, that you were the best candidate for the job, But unfortunately you did not get it.  I just want to let you know that God has bigger plans for you, plans that you and I can’t even imagine, plans to prosper you, and it is only a matter of time that He will reveal these plans to you. All you gotta do is to be patient. Maybe God doesnt want you to be an admin assistant, a coffe girl, but maybe He wants you to be a CEO, or perhaps a lawyer.

I just want you to remember that everytime you get declined a job,  I want you to know that God has bigger and better plans for you.

Maybe you did not get that loan to buy a house, maybe you can’t afford to buy a new car, maybe you cant afford to put delicious food that you so desire on your table, maybe you can’t save your home from foreclosure, I just want to let you know today that we are all God’s children, and as His children, He has better and bigger plans for us. It is only a matter of time that He reveals these plans to us.

MAKHUBU NONKULULEKO

Posted on August 23, 2013 by nonkululekomakhubu

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The teacher and poet in the making  

SINGLE MOTHERS

I think I’ve said this before, and i’ll say it again, I think single mothers are the most strongest women I’ve ever met. Playing both the roles of being a mother and father. To all the single mothers out there, I’m really proud of you.

Anyway, I have friends and couzins who have kids and the fathers are forever absent. It’s like these fathers…are farmers, farming everywhere they go, and they never take special care of their crops.

I was raised by both my parents, my parents have been together for atleast 27 years now and I must say I don’t know how it feels like to be raised by a single parent, many kids out there have never met their dads, and I don’t know how they feel, are they angry at their dads? At God? At Life? I just don’t know.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, there are so many girls my age who play both the roles of being a mother and a father, and they realise that raising a child alone is not easy. I wish and I pray that, all these beautiful, strong single parents, could further their studies, because I believe that that’s a start, get a degree, or diploma, even though they are not guaranteed jobs  atleast they’ll have something to fall back on.
I believe that education is the strongest weapon to combat poverty, and if these women are educated, then their kids will not be living in poverty since their mothers would be able to meet their kids needs.

PROVERBS 31 WOMAN

And the proverbs 31 woman award goes to……..*drum rolls*……….MY MOM  Nomvula Grace Makhubu.
Yipppppppppe!!!

The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t afraid of work, she wakes up in the morning and she “13looks for wool and
flax, And works with her
hands in delight…
19She stretches out her
hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the
spindle…
27She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.”

Well my mom is a modern woman, but I tell you, she gets up every morning and toils hard for her children and husband, for her family. And then she comes home from work, and she still cooks for us, even though she might be tired, she’ll still cook for her husband and children. I am 22 years old, and I assure you that my mom still cooks for me, does laundry for me, she irons for me and cleans for me! No I’m not spoiled, I do help sometimes, but this woman here, my mom, isn’t afraid of work and she is the proverbs 31 woman!

Verse 20 says “20She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy.”
Like I told you before, I noticed my mom paying a school trip for two poor boys in my brother’s class, the trip was R75 bucks each, and she paid for both those kids, even though she doesn’t earn much, she felt like doing it anyway, I noticed my mom giving out food parcels, giving out our old clothes,  I’ve seen her preparing food for my brother’s friends who always accompanied him whenever he went home to eat. I’ve seen her lending money to the poor who never bothered to pay her back, but guess what, she still lends anyway!

25Strength and dignity are
her clothing, And she smiles at the future.
26She opens her mouth in
wisdom, And the teaching of
kindness is on her tongue.
- Strength neh, yes my mom is strong, judging from all the things that she has went through… She never gives up, and whatever she does, she does it with pride and dignity, most people come to her for advice, or sometimes they don’t, she just interferes and her advices lightens up people’s face. I remember her giving advice to this girl who tried committing suicide, she has never spoken to this girl before, and she went to this girls house and offered her advice anyway, the following day she came to my mom and Thanked her! Hugged her even. I remember her giving advice to this HIV+ woman,  you know what? My mom is a heaven sent.

28Her children rise up and
bless her;Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29″Many daughters have
done nobly,But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and
beauty is vain But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Verse 28 and 29, yes, what I’m doing now is praising my mom, for all the good things she has done in Jesus’ name, my father also praises her, my mom has done and played a major role in her family. And I thank both my parents that they are still together after 27 years!!!

Verse 30, my mom truly fears the Lord, and I’m proud of her, molding us whilst we were kids to be closer to God, took us to church at a younger age, prepares us how to be good wives, that “women who fear the LORD never walk down the streets and gossip about God’s children, but instead they help God’s children.”

And then, my last favorite verses I like the most!
“10An excellent wife, who
can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and
not evil All the days of her life.”

I’ve seen women who treats their husbands very bad, I’ve seen women who bewitch their husbands, who shouts at them, or beat them even.
My mom! A perfect wife, that my dad wouldn’t ask for more! That her children wouldn’t ask for a far more better mom! She is perfect the way she is.

I really am grateful for both my parents, the fact that I’ve never seen them drunk, they don’t drink , they fact that I’ve never seen them fight, and the fact that they know how to put smiles on their children’s faces.
I thank God for the prayer nights that we always have, 7 o’clock we pray, mandatory! And I’m grateful for what my parents have done for me and my siblings.

Thank you God for my loving family

BOOK REVIEW

1

It’s me Anna

It’s me Anna, one of the saddest books I’ve ever read.
Anna grew up in a messed up home, her father was an alcoholic and her mother was a control freak. Her parents broke up, Anna’s mom forced Anna’s dad into suicide.
Anna’s life got ruined when her mom got a boyfriend, they moved in together with Anna in her step father’s house. It was then that Anna’s life turned into nothing but a nightmare!

Anna’s step father raped her every night, she was only 8 years old when all this happened, she tried telling her mom who didn’t believe her, she got pregnant at the age of 16, her mother chased her away and she went to live in her ex boyfriend’s home, leaving behind her little sister, whose biological father was Anna’s stepfather, Carlie, her littler sister, who was also raped by her OWN father, Anna’s stepfather.
When Anna was 32, Carlie came knocking on Anna’s door, she was 16 and pregnant, impregnated by her own father, that’s when Anna’s anger took a toll on her, and murdered her step father.

It’s a really sad book, not well written but worth reading. I would have never known about this book, it was my ex boyfriend who recommended it for me, and I must say that it really touched my life. 
It made me wonder what other beautiful kids must be going through out there, I feel for these kids, I want to hold them, tight and never let go, I want to save them and give them a better home. I love these kids, Raped, abused and sold to slavery! I love them all and I’m hoping that God will hear my prayers for them, and save them.

Here’s a poem I wrote on Sexual abuse, Yes it was written by Me  Makhubu Nonkululeko Evelyn.

You’ve made my life a living hell
I cry all the time, I can’t stop thinking about those days

In the past I still dwell
I still think about how you  raped me. Your evil ways

All I wanted was to live a happy life
To play around with dolls, and smile

But you bought me more sorrow and strife
I’ve kept this secret for too long now, for a while

What exactly did you see in me?
I was just an innocent kid who liked playing with her dolls

A cheerful kid, who was happy and free
Until I got a new hobby, “licking your balls”

Everyday it was the same thing, me opening wide for you
I didn’t know what  I was doing, I was extremely confused

Now I know what it was, that  I was going through
I talked to a teacher, who said I was being sexually abused

You came home from work, and told me that “last night was fun”
If only you knew, that you left me extremely confused

I tried getting away from you,  I tried to run
And when you caught me, you left me all bruised

I tried telling my mom, but you said she wouldn’t believe me
And that if I did, you would turn your gun on me

I was empty and all alone
If only my mom knew the things that took place in the middle of the night

That I was fighting her boyfriend on my own
when all he did was to give me a terrible fright

I tried telling my sister, but she never listened to me when I was saying..
that “uncle James does things to me and I’m scared”

I tried talking to God, I tried praying
But it seemed to me that He never cared.

You penetrated me when I was only seven!
Told me that you were preparing me to be a good woman!

No one knew, up until I was only Eleven!
Up until I got scared…and ran

Thanks for reading my poem, just so you know, the story of Anna reminds me of a song by Ludacris and Mary J Blige, Runaway love.

TONIGHT’S VERSE IS…

Tonight’s verse is…..

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 14

I’m not really a patient person, when I want something I want it NOW, not tomorrow, but NOW. And I’ve realised that my ways aren’t God’s ways, I realised that my ways suck. I remember screaming at God, angry at Him because He failed to answer my prayers. But what I like the most about myself is that, I get angry for that particular moment and then I pray to receive God’s guidance and then I’m whole, again.

I remember crying because God didn’t give me what I wanted, I thought that God doesn’t answer prayers, or maybe that He hated me, but through everything, God has proved to me that He is always with me, and that He will provide for me, provide for me something that is far more better than what I was asking for. I ended up getting what I wanted, but after a few months. I think God was trying to teach me patience, now I know better that I should trust in Him and wait for Him.

My heart goes out to all those who have lost their faith tonight, who think that God has failed them and has put them down, I want to say to you, Wait for the Lord! Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord!

My heart goes out to all the street kids out there, to all the kids who are being sold to slavery, to all the kids who are being abused and raped, I want to tell you that God hears your prayers, and He will answer them, I want to let you know that God is a miracle working God, and that He will turn your situation into something that you can’t comprehend, into a blessing. So wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord!

My heart goes out to all the people who are sick tonight, who are lying in their death beds thinking that they will never see a tomorrow, I just want to tell you that have faith in the Lord, He is a miracle working God, and He will never abandon you.  So wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord!

My heart goes out to all the people who are mourning tonight, I just want to let you know that your loved ones are safe now, with the Lord and angels protecting them, I just want to let you know that they are in a better place. Where sadness never fill their hearts, where there is no sorrow and suffering. ” Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted”. God will comfort you, you just have to wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord!

My heart goes out to all the people who are in jails for the crimes they didn’t commit, I just want to let you know that God does hear prayers, God is everywhere and He is there, right next to you protecting you, and that one day you will be set free in Jesus’ name, all you have to do is to keep your faith and  wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord!

My heart goes out to all the HIV positive people, to all those who are being kidnapped, to all those who live in toxic abusive relationships, to all those who are in accidents tonight, I just want to let you know that God hasn’t forgotten about you, I just want to let you know that God is a miracle working God. All you have to do is to wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord!

Love from….
Makhubu Nonkululeko Evelyn.

RAPE

Rape…..

You know….Evil people are everywhere, are they really evil? I hate judging, but I honestly don’t like people who are sadistic, who take pleasure hurting others, or take pleasure by seeing others hurt, aren’t we all God’s children? Don’t these people who do evil have any conscience?

Anyway, I want to talk about rape….
A six weeks baby was raped by her father, imagine, six weeks old, and already her virginity has been taken away by her own father. What was he thinking! If he ever does think!
And then I read a newspaper article, an 82 year old gogo was raped by her grandson! What is this world coming to?
It’s like we are not safe anymore…

Because we are being raped by people that we are close to, our fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, couzins and even neighbors.
People that we should trust, people we should be looking up to, and they hurt us, they betray our trust, they leave us defenseless and hopeless.

I want to plead with anyone who was being raped in their lifetime, who was raped yesterday, who was raped today and who was raped a second ago, I want to plead with you by saying, please report the matter to the police, do whatever you can to put this person behind bars, because they can do it to another person, and only YOU have the power to stop that.

This isn’t the kind of freedom that our hero, Mandela fought for, And this isn’t the kind of freedom that many of our mothers and grandmothers desired. He didn’t say “okay now you’re all free, Do whatever your heart desires, kill, rape, or even steal”. Are we even free? If we can’t go out wearing our mini skirts and feel beautiful, if we can’t go out at night, are we free?

Married women are also being raped by their husbands, I know. Don’t sit there and think it’s okay because you’re married to him, leave that prick while you still can, report him, or do whatever you can to make him pay. I think it’s about time we as women, stood up for ourselves, it is called women power!!!

The poems bellow were written by me about 2 years ago. Enjoy.

A) I have forgiven you for all the bad things you have done to me
But forgetting about them,
seems to be a challenge.

When around you, I should have
felt free
But the love you offered me was
really strange

I was too young back then,
maybe that’s why you took an
advantage
With your power and might, you
still ejaculated

I tried to scream and shout but
still, you treated me like garbage
I told you it was painful, but you still penetrated

You still had the nerve, to lie to
my mother
You still had a nerve to bed her
at night

She probably thought you’re a
wonderful father
But the truth is, I couldn’t stand
your sight

It’s been six years now, but I still haven’t forgotten
Cause I feel like, I’ve been
robbed of my youth

You see, the truth never gets
rotten
And that’s why I felt like it’s time to reveal the truth

I might have forgiven you, but I
shall never forget
And I hope wherever you are,
you still regret

Everything you have done to me
For not allowing my soul to be
free

_________________________________
B) He Slammed me onto the ground
Pinned me against the floor
Commanded me not to make a
sound
Or he’ll kill me, he swore

It is then he took my clothes off
Took advantage of me
My virginity! My loss!
Why couldn’t he let me be?

Maybe I didn’t fight enough
Maybe it was just my fault
Why wasn’t I brave and tough?
Ofcourse it was my fault

The pain I felt when I lay there
and bled
It was hard for me to comprehend

Sometimes I think I’m better off
dead
I wish the world would come to
an end

I hate talking about this, cause
no one understands
My childhood memories I miss
Playing in muddy sands

Even though it is over and done
I hope that no one has to
experience what I’ve went
through
My new life has begun
It’s about time I start my whole
life anew

I know I’m not alone, my heart
goes out to each one of you
I somehow survived And I hope
you will get through this too

Today I’m planting seeds
Of faith and happiness within my heart
And I hope it never bleeds
Cause this battle wasn’t mine
from the start
_________________________________
C) Daddy I want you to know that I really forgive you
I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me too

The things you’ve done to me I
can never forget
Thinking about them,makes me
really upset

I can’t even sleep
Because of the grudges I keep
I still don’t understand why you
brought me that daisy
when all you ever did,was to kiss and rape me

I wish you knew what you had
put me through
But forgiving you is all I should
do.
Forgiveness is really a key
Maybe I might find happiness
And set my heart free

LORD, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?

I haven’t blogged anything in this month of August, I’ve been really lazy and Varsity is stressing me out! Too much work, so little time.
Anyway, I pray and hope that August will bring you nothing but happiness, Joy, blessings, and miracles from our heavenly father.

I’ve been praying a lot lately, and I’ve been listening to people’s prayers at church, and then I realised that There’s something odd about how we people pray. No this Is not another “prayer formulae” post.
But…..
Have you realised of how we always ask God for help? How we always ask Him to provide us with food, clothes, jobs?
How we always ask Him to heal our sicknesses? How we always ask Him to deliver us from evil?
How we always ask Him to protect our loved ones?
And does God interferes and help us? Ofcourse He does, and sometimes we might, or might  not even say “Thank You God”.

I think it’s about time that we as God’s children asked Him this question, “God what can I do for you today?”. Maybe it’s about time we stopped begging God and start serving Him.
I volunteer when I can, I said this before I know, and I’m proud of it, I donate blood, knowing very well that my blood can save a life, I help some kids with their homework or assignments, but I want to do more than this, I want to live for God, purely, like Christ did. I want to reflect Christ, I want people to see Christ in me, and that’s why I ALWAYS ask God to reveal what He would want me to do for Him.

Honestly, I think it’s about time we stopped begging, and started serving Him.